We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
