So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize