got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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