Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
