I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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