Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
