I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
