So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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