Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
