1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
