I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
