My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
