Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
its liver damage thursday
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
