So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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