you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
