I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Randomize
