Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
