Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize