Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
soo... how was my night?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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