just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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