I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
