if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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