fuck your aforementioned shoe
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
