this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
