and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just cropdusted the office
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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