I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Randomize
