who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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