i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
