She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Randomize
