I need to stop coming to work sober
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
