Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Randomize
