I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
