dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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