my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
