i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize