Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
