I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize