OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
