Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
This toilet bowl is my home.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
