If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
