I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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