My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
