put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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