I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
