The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
two words: eviction party
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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