You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
