Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
