In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
