i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I wish i was in the wii world.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
