i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
