we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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