I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
