you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You can't special order awesome
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
