So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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