I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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