Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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