She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
