I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
