Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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