I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize